Chasing back after me…

A better calling, a grand calling, a more essential one, more meaningful. I have been looking for it, I have been praying for it, I have earnestly sought it. But did I really know what I was searching for? Did I set my mind on what this world and society expect from me? Or did I call on God to ask and try to find what He really wants for me? Had I heard it, Had I known it, would I have listened? Would I have obeyed? Would I have fully committed my ways to him?

I wondered, I always wondered; when did I lose myself, my rest, my peace, my confidence? What triggered that? Was it a moment? Was it a process?

I also wondered how long it would take to get it back, to get me back; to be restored to my real self, the authentic one, with no layer, no shade...

Proust said that our social personality is the creation of the mind of the others. The people we meet, once, twice or more; they only see us at a stage of our lives and proceed to give a judgement. We may have heard it, good or bad, it may have affected us, positively or negatively, but deep down, we know that we are more than that, we know that we are worth it, we know that we are enough, we know that we are able. God is telling that to us everyday but it is the noise of the others’ judgements, opinions and expectations that is preventing us to hear it clearly, to know, to believe, to be sure, to move forward. Who we are, our personality, our character; we are not frozen, we are not defined by a moment, we go through stages, periods. It is a process, a cycle, ever changing, ever evolving. It becomes what we allow ourselves to listen to and believe in, what we subject and submit ourselves to: is it fear? Is it love?

And, what is love? what is happiness? Is it not the quality time we spend with God and with the people who value us? Is it not the joy, peace and rest that we experience while being totally authentic and vulnerable with ourselves, God and the others ? Is it not when we finally accept ourselves, allowing God to cleanse us and love us as we are, putting aside our flaws, mistakes and failures.

Then I wondered when it changed; when did people stop caring for each other, when did society shift to this individualistic and selfish mindset? When did society get so far from God to forget and negate the most essential virtues of the human nature and spirit? When did society reach this state of confusion so that Nietzsche came to affirm that “God is dead”? Of course, it was a process…

I would answer yes, the most essential aspects of life do repeat themselves, they always come back, that’s why I say there is hope, there can be a better future, there is light, and it comes from within, from the Spirit of God. Only if each of us is ready to listen, to obey, to trust, to take the first step in His direction because He has been calling, He has been waiting, and He still is.