The fear to mess up

At home, in my bedroom, I have this Rubik’s cube, my friend got it for me as a gift in senior year of high school. When I got it, I was really happy and excited, I was playing with it the whole time, I think it became the attraction of the whole house, even my older brother wanted to play with it. However, the best I could do was to get a whole face correct, I never got to finish it. The minute I got one face done, I took a picture to kind of seal it and have the proof that I had actually completed a face. This way, I successfully completed each face of each colour and took a picture; pulling all the pictures together in an album, someone by looking at it may think that I had completed the whole thing: how lame. I really wanted to get it done, I tried for at least a month, I even went on YouTube to try to solve it using the algorithms but I was too lazy and impatient to follow the videos straight, getting bored, confused, frustrated and just giving up, going back to the starting line. I was so obsessed by this Rubik’s cube that I talked about it to all my friends in high school and one of them told me that he could get it done. I was so happy when he told me that I brought it to him the next day. When I gave it to him, I was a bit hesitant and fearful, thinking that he would not be able to complete it since I messed it up so much and myself, I had not been able to complete it; I was retranslating my fears and doubts on him. After a couple of minutes, he completed it. I was so happy, so proud and excited. I thanked him several times and showed it to all my friends: when these wanted to try it on, I said no. I kept it completed and brought it back home intact. This time, I made a video of it and moved it to the album: the video was the ultimate proof that it had actually been completed. Then, I showed it to my older brother, my younger sister and to my parents also, I was super happy and my brother wanted to mess it up, again, I said no. I kept it intact, I kept it intact for 5 years, almost 6 now. I am realising how unfaithful, scared and afraid of taking risks I am.

The Rubik’s cube is completed, it proudly stands in my closet, far from any eyes that would be tempted to mess it up. This attitude of mine is very revealing of my state of mind; I am thinking that I could have messed it up since I finally had the proof that it could actually be completed, I could have messed it up myself and tried to fix it again and again and again. I could have gathered the patience to learn how to do it during those 5 years. Now, I really want to go and take it and mess it up, start from scratch and rebuild it. What is preventing me is the fear of never being able to do it and thus never see it completed again, I am so scared of messing it up given that I don’t have this friend anymore to do it for me. In a way, I am still dependent on him even though I haven’t seen him in nearly 5 years. My point is that my attitude towards this Rubik’s cube, I have it even worse in real life, I am looking for a way to break through, to break this circle of fear and find the freedom and courage to act and take risks. It is really easy said but very difficult to follow in practice. I so much want to mess it up and learn but I am so scared of destroying all this hard work that I put on it by bringing it to my friend: it is a ridiculous reason when expressed, even more ridiculous when written.

However, we all have these limitations in life, at least to a different degree. Also, the reasons that prevent us to act on our guts are diverse, it may be that if it doesn’t work, our families will be affected, how they would be treated and perceived will change, our reputation will suffer, our finances will be affected… While enumerating these reasons, it becomes even scarier to take on the initiative and see how it goes. It comes to an even bigger problem, the fear of losing control; none of us likes to lose grasp on the situation, even when we say that we want to lose control and give everything back into God’s hand, there is still this fear and this tiny little aspect that we want to control, it is there, lingering, but most of the time, we won’t admit it to ourselves, we would lie to ourselves, trying to convince us and the others that we have gladly and wholly accepted to lose control and fully trust God. It is very hard indeed not to try and force things to go our way, trying to imagine scenarios in our heads, designing our perfect plan, forgetting that God has the best plan. It is really hard, even after reading the stories of Abraham (Genesis), Job, Joseph (Genesis), Moses (Exodus), Joshua, Gideon (Judges), David (Samuel), Ruth, Mary (Gospel) and so many more, there is still doubt, there is still fear, there is still this desire to hang on to a little aspect, this desire of doing it by ourselves. It is very sinuous, very sneaky while all we want to do is to throw it away and do it God’s way: as we are supposed to do, how we would very much like to do.

I do not say that it is easy, I do not say that it goes away if we wish hard enough for it to go away, as in a hand snap. All that I say is that we should start the process, commit to it and work through it with the help of God, because we are not self-made, we are God-made: Isaiah 45: 9 says “ Woe to those who quarrel with their Maker, those who are nothing but potsherds among the potsherds on the ground. Does the clay say to the potter, ‘What are you making?’ Does your work say, ‘The potter has no hands’? ” (NIV) The best we can do is to actually start the process, we need to dive right through it, afraid or not. It will get better as we go on, I know what I am talking about because I am currently going through it; God has his ways of teaching us and humbling us, throwing us in the battlefield. When we are too afraid to start, he starts it for us. It is very hard, very painful, we may cry, but as we cry, we must remember that He who created us cares for us, and maybe He is also crying with us, sharing in our suffering as He always does. Since only Him knows what the future holds, He is already relieved for us and we need to connect with Him deeply, authentically and without reservation so as to also feel this relief and happiness, to experience His comfort and peace daily. This way, slowly, these doubts, this tiny desire to get just a little bit of control will vanish. It will take time, a very long time, but I know in the end, it will be worth it because the process, the journey that we take on with Him is actually the one that matters, it is the real one, the definite one, the true one.

07/04/2020